Tuesday, 9 April 2013

How to finally start that First conversation with the Love of your Life



Congratulations! You’ve finally found the person who is your perfect match in every way: you like the same things, share common interests, hang out in the same areas and have a strong sexual compatible probably! But now for the last difficult step: making her aware of your existence. Assuming you suffer from crippling shyness (and how could you not be, you’re reading this guide on the Internet!), I have devised the perfect, five-step system to create that all-important first connection.


1) Study her movements. This is by far the easiest step to describe, but in practice takes a lot of perseverance and time to achieve the best results. First of all, find out where she lives. This should be easy enough, as the phonebook was practically invented for this kind of thing. Once you know where she lives, follow her movements for two weeks to compile a schedule of her regular haunts and what times. For example, find out where she works, what her favourite restaurant is and most importantly, where her parents live! Once you have a working schedule of her movements, you can move onto the next step with ease!

2) Make her a gift she’ll never forget! Now that you know your subject’s movements intimately, you also know the precise times you can break into her house and take personal objects from her bedroom! Once you have collated enough material, it’s time to break out the craft glue and safety scissors – we’re going to build a shrine in her honour! Though each shrine should be personal to the person it’s built for, there are some must-haves that every shrine should have: a photo of your target, hair, candles to give that romantic light effect and your own personal message to her. My most successful shrine was smeared with my own blood and faeces, so don’t be afraid to experiment! The more work you put into it, the more you’ll have to talk about, so it’s worth that extra effort!

3) Prepare your conversation topic. During Step 1, you’ll have obviously found out a lot about your betrothed, like what kind of shampoo she uses. You are now in a highly fortuitous position, and one few others are so lucky to be in. Think about her habits –what does she like doing? If you’ve got some common ground, that’s great! If not, then you can try a few things. One idea is to leave little notes around her home suggesting things she may want to try, like smelling her hand after she scratches her bottom (mmm, erotic!). Another, personal favourite is to exploit her interests and adapt them to your own interests. One that works for me quite often, and I’ll share with you is “Your favourite book is Twilight? What a coincidence! I like standing outside windows and watching vulnerable young virgins as they sleep too,” before giving her a sly wink. She’ll know exactly what you’re talking about and she’ll love it too, the minx!

4) Orchestrate the meeting. With your conversation topic prepared, it’s time you set about meeting this Love of your Life. Consulting your schedule, you can easily see the times when you could ‘accidentally bump into’ her. Now, it’s understandable if at this point, when you do finally meet her, you may be a bit nervous and lose the ability to speak. Well, talking is overrated anyway, so try communicating to her through song! Girls find songs written for them incredibly romantic, so if you have the ability, try writing her song! But the important thing is to not make a thing of it – pretend that writing a song about her life and habits ain’t no thang. Girls love that sexy indifference men can give off.

5) But if all this sounds like hard work, then don’t worry, there is one quick fix step to solve all your romantic worries! Next time you see the Love of your Life passing according to your schedule of her life, try running up to her when she’s walking down the street (so everyone can see your proclamation of love), dropping your trousers and begin to masturbate furiously in front of her. If she starts running away give chase! She’ll admire your tenacity! Then, on the point of release, turn your maddening red eyes to her face, and say in a low, husky voice of desire: “ah, Bisto!”

No girl could possibly resist!

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